THE INCONVENIENCE CAUSED

The question is: what is ‘the ‘caused’ doing?

“Flight C53Z62 to Southampton has been delayed due to mechanical problems. We are sorry for the inconvenience caused.”

“The 16.52 service to Portsmouth is running 15 minutes late. We are sorry for the inconvenience caused.”

Occasionally the apology is more formal. We regret any inconvenience caused. But we are sorry for the inconvenience caused is better.

All the same, why ‘caused’? Caused by . . . us? We are sorry for the inconvenience caused by our inefficiency? Or maybe caused . . . to the victims? We are sorry for the inconvenience caused by buggering up your plans for the day?

‘Caused’, in this familiar phrase, is redundant. We are sorry for the inconvenience means precisely the same thing as We are sorry for the inconvenience caused. The first sounds like something a person might actually say – I mean something a real human being might say. The second sounds like a tannoy announcement.

While being inconvenienced by delays, I spend much time reflecting on the official expression of regret. I very nearly said ‘on the phrasing used’. That’s because I was being dragged, against my will, into the same remote mindspace where words are offered as placebo. Inconvenience is caused. Phrasing is used. The verbs contribute nothing.

Nothing meaningful, that is. But maybe they’re there for the rhythm. We are sorry for the inconvenience caused is not iambic pentameter – not quite. But if you allow for the tripping entry of ‘We are sor…’, the rest is iambic, and it has that numbing quality of regular iambic verse. You can say I am sorry for the inconvenience caused and not feel a thing.

Once you’re into We regret any inconvenience caused it’s a riskier business. You can’t avoid the fact that the emphasis falls on ‘any’.  Such a statement may preface an overnight in a hotel, or a bus laid on to take passengers to Glasgow.

Besides, the definite article does have a function in the original phrase. It is not just any inconvenience, it is THE inconvenience, the concept of which floats through life on a regular basis. It is the inconvenience we know so well but for which we cannot carry responsibility. It is the inconvenience we experience with a wearily iambic sigh.

There are two other things I specially like about the inconvenience of an inconvenience caused. One is the issue of spelling.

Both convenience and inconvenience, when it comes to spelling, have one more syllable than is strictly convenient. As a result, a popular error is to write ‘convience’ or, more often, ‘inconvience’. We are sorry for the inconvience caused. (NB This has a different rhythm and fails to placate agitated travellers.)

The other pleasure in inconveniences is when they occur to toilets. One of the great British euphemisms for toilet is, of course, ‘Public Convenience’. So a notice on the door reading: “Closed for cleaning. We are sorry for the inconvenience caused’ strikes me as comic. Recently I was on a plane flying from Edinburgh that was delayed (really) because of a problem with one of the toilets. They were sorry for the inconvenience caused.

But the toilet was fixed eventually and we were invited to board the plane. As we went down the stairs with our hand luggage, a notice instructed us to Please use the handrail provided. Provided? What is the provided doing?

I could continue. Please, however, use the full stop provided.

CUTTING LIGHT FROM DARKNESS

His handwriting is very hard to read.

the artifactHis woodcuts, however, are a delight. I’m talking about Alan Dixon, who did the prints on the covers of the most recent pamphlet and its insert. I think he is a remarkable artist, and there’s an interview with him on the Sphinx website, in which, among other things, he says:

“Most of my printing is done in the garage with the door open. No passing neighbours have shown any interest. I have never used a press: I tread on the back of my blocks, even the smallest.”

Most of the HappenStance graphics are done by Gillian Rose, my daughter. However, the pamphlets for dead poets have all had Alan Dixon woodcuts on the covers: the Ruth Pitter publications, Thomas Hardy and contemporary Dorset poets, and now Jean Mackie. To me, there’s something both old and startlingly new about woodcuts. I love them, and I think Alan does marvellous work in this medium, right up there with the best of the expressionists.

When I ask him if he will do one for me, he reads the poems very carefully first—he is a poet himself as well as a practising artist. He has a sharp eye too, and invariably spots some proof-reading anomaly that I’ve missed.

Then he sends suggestions. I delight in the way they slither out of his envelopes on little slips of paper, usually with a piece of card to support them. Sometimes they’re on tissue paper. I imagine him chipping and scraping in his garage, the passing neighbours wholly impervious to what’s going on.

For the Jean Mackie publication, the poem that caught Alan’s interest was ‘The artifact’. That in itself was interesting because I don’t think it’s the poem that would first catch the eye of most readers. It’s a town and country poem, a bit of magic. Here it is:

Shaped like a plant it was,
With thirteen little knobs of light
On wires as thin as harebells.
At a touch it shivered into life,
Sliding against the thick, unwilling air
Till all the shopworn people smiled,
Not for the urban oddity
But because
Sweet as molasses
Here was a toy for four pounds fifty
Could emulate the lonely grasses.

He sent a print for this that we didn’t use. From a design point of view it was arresting. But the toy itself and the head of one of the onlookers seemed to merge. It’s at the top of this page, looking slightly blue because I’ve just photographed it on top of a sheet of blue paper.

Do you see the thirteen little knobs of light (cutting light from darkness) and the shopworn people, and a little perky child grinning up from the right hand side? There were two prints of this. He added an earring to the second, which is the one I have below. Where’s the earring? It’s on the ear of the person with his back to us, a slightly butch figure with his hair gelled upright (or startled into attention).

THE EARRING

There was another possible print too. It was a much more rural scene and would have done nicely but Alan himself wasn’t satisfied. Charlie Allan, Jean’s son, liked the thought that the figure at the front, in silhouette, could have been Jean herself, who never liked her picture taken.

duckpondJean’s pamphlet, A Little Piece of Earth, is unusual in that it has an insert. One of Jean’s poems (‘Granddaughter’) refers to “O, my loving innocent, my pretty dear,/ Who sit now eating cake/ Watching the ladies who have come to tea”. Characters in poems don’t usually reply. This one, however, did.

Susie Malcolm, Jean’s grown-up granddaughter, in ‘Nervosa Nouveau’ and ‘Visiting Grandparents’ writes about the situation from a different point of view. Three poems are inserted on a small separate publication inside the main pamphlet and I wanted a graphic for this too. So I cut a detail from the scene with the ducks. I knew, of course, that Alan would not be keen on this. The woodcut as a whole has its own balance and proportion. The slightly wonky edges and the degree of ‘grain’ are matters of some deliberation.

He returned a second set of prints, which are the ones that are on the publications now. One is the artifact again, this time with the faces more agog and with a hand pointing out the wonder of the thing. And there was one of adults, with children, in profile for the granddaughter insert.

I’m struggling with the technology this morning. It doesn’t like my files and won’t upload the granddaughter one. The main print, from the front cover of the pamphlet, however, is on the left.FINAL PRINT

So these are what we have used. Alan writes letters too, in spidery, almost indecipherable (but not quite) handwriting. Each one is signed, ‘Your woodcutter, Alan’.

Do you know how long these blogs take to write each Sunday morning? Breakfastward the ploughman plods his weary way. But how wonderful life is in its gifted twists and turns, its glorious papercuts, longcuts and woodcuts: “sheer plod makes plough down sillion / Shine.”

PEOPLE SHOULDN’T WRITE SO MUCH POETRY!

Finally the mystery of Jean Mackie comes to a satisfactory conclusion.

There has been a whole blog thread behind this one: first Another Lost Poet, then More about the Mysterious Jean Mackie, in which contact was made with Jean’s son Charlie. Then much more recently, The Mystery of Jean Mackie, in which Jim Brown probably tracked down the source of the title of Jean’s collection of poems.

Jean’s poems have now been published again, this time with an ISB number, a preface about the author, and an insert of poems by her (now grown-up) granddaughter, Susie Malcolm, who features as a child in one of Jean’s poems. Jean was a remarkable, strong, vital person and it’s a privilege to contribute, in a small way, to her memory being kept alive.

And of course the poems themselves—Jean Mackie’s poems are the sort of writing that’s accessible, emotive, passionately felt. They are mainly about old age—the way we continue to feel young as the body ages, the surprise that suddenly (or so it seems) the young friends we laughed with have turned to dust.

The publication is timely for me personally. I’m in that phase of life where my contemporaries are retiring from employment, or thinking about it. Some of them are galloping into the sunset cheerfully and healthily. Others are struggling with a variety of health issues. Some have parents in their nineties: the amazing new generation of active nonagenarians. One old friend of not yet 70 (George Laing used to write poems too) died only the day before yesterday.

George came to poetry late, in his early fifties, but he embraced it with energy and passion. The practice of writing was a joy to him. It seems no time at all since he was bombarding me with comic verse, short stories, satirical commentary on politics, and placing some of his work in worthy publications. He and his wife were running a small pet shop at that time, so Catworld became one of his outlets. One of his irreverent pieces of verse went into the HappenStance pamphlet Unsuitable Companions, now sold out.

Sometimes we forget the way poetry belongs to everyone. It’s not just for the profoundly literary, not just for esoteric intellectuals. You don’t have to do a degree in literature or creative writing to participate. In 2003, I was present at a discussion between small publishers at the Ledbury Poetry Festival. To me, this was a fascinating event, and one of many key links in the chain that led to me setting up the HappenStance imprint. Today, a particular moment comes back to me. Not the bit about the way the books stack up (unsold) under the stairs, though I do remember that most vividly as I glance downstairs and see the boxes, but the bit where one publisher said, “People shouldn’t write so much poetry!” And Michael Mackmin retorted, “Yes, they should. They should write all they want.”

As editor of The Rialto, Michael must have rejected more poems than most people. But that’s wholly separate from applauding the impulse to write. Those who love to read poetry, those who have loved it from their youth, or come to it in later life—those people may of course turn their hand to writing, especially when deeply moved by an event or occasion. The practice of ‘occasional verse’ is honourable. You don’t have to be poet laureate to write poems about Hillsborough. Anyone can contribute quietly to the long tradition of verse writing, issued from the heart and celebrated there. The poems may be preserved on scraps of paper, on funeral programmes, in diaries and notebooks, on the backs of photographs. These scraps are cherished and then—for the most part—lost.

But such poems are not written casually: they are deeply felt and may also be deeply private. Sometimes someone comes across them with delight, and feels that they deserve a wider readership. I am not alone in thinking this is true of A Little Piece of Earth.

FREE VERSE HAMBOREE

The CB Editions Free Verse publishers event took place yesterday in London.

Two floors of small press publishers, a fabulous reading venue, a delightful little open air cafe on hand, a baking hot day — and free wine and ham with every HappenStance purchase, thanks to Matthew Stewart’s role as wine exporter and voluntary ambassador for the Extremadura region of Spain. So the HappenStance stall got a lot of interest.

Christopher Reid kicked off the action (you can just see him above, in the middle) with charm and brevity and panache.

The day included music, workshops, conversation, book buying, book bartering, book swapping, wine and ham. And a first-rate series of readings throughout the day, organised by Chrissy Williams and announced by CB Editions publisher Charles Boyle with a very large bell (see above). CB managed to look relaxed even in the middle of this mammoth feat of organisation.

You may spot Fiona Moore (above) assisting with sales, beside Matthew Stewart in his green stripey, ham-cutting apron. People talk about the unlikelihood of pigs flying. Well, part of one did — from Spain to London — and there it is on the ham stand. You can just see the cover of Marion Tracy’s The Giant in the Doorway in the right hand corner of the photo above — the one with what look like cut-out dolls. There was a fabulous reading space (see below). Couldn’t have been better.

Marion Tracy launched her debut publication, Giant in the Doorway, with a riveting reading, in front of that glorious mirror and red drapes. I didn’t photograph her in action because I didn’t want to put her off with paparazzi flashes, but I wish I had. I am a coward with a camera.

Matthew’s reading from his second pamphlet, Tasting Notes, required two voices, so I had the opportunity of being a marketing blurb persona. This, too, was accompanied by wine and ham. You can taste the wine yourself (links from the HappenStance shop to an online wine supplier).

The day was very friendly — lots of people to talk to and everyone in that sunny good humour that accompanies an extra bit of Summer when you’re not really expecting it. Food for mind, body and spirit.

Wonderful. And did I mention the wine and ham?

Balanced, rational, reasonable, sensible, sane, sound . . . .

Just look at those respectable adjectives!

They line up like nice little soldiers, reliable and trustworthy. Then see what happens with their anonyms (of which there are many more):

Aberrant, bananas, barmy, batty, bonkers, cuckoo, daft, deluded, demented, gaga, insane, kooky, loony, loopy, lunatic, mental, nutty, psycho, rabid, raving, senseless, screwy, unbalanced, unhinged, unreasonable, unsafe, unsound, unstable, wacko, off your rocker, out of your mind, away with the fairies, lost the plot.

Mental illness isn’t funny. But all those describing words? They mock it, stick it in a safe place on the back shelf, where we keep things we don’t want to contemplate.

Because of all that, it’s hard to write about—hard to evoke that reality where the brain doesn’t work properly—without inviting horror movie scenarios or enlisting the sympathy vote. Marion Tracy’s début pamphlet, Giant in the Doorway, steers a bold course between these torturous extremes.

Giant is about childhood with a mother who lurches from ‘normality’ to insanity. Some of the poems (in the voice of the child) struggle to make sense of what’s going on, but there’s no self-pity. The narrator is (like most children) a tough little individual. At one point she herself becomes the friendly giant, protecting her older sister from the terrors.

In the second half of the collection, the poet looks back on her childhood from the point of view of an adult. She’s still trying to make sense of the relationship with her mother, in the way most of us do all our lives. Through the chaos of past events emerges a strong, clear voice. To describe confusion plainly is, in some sense, to take control:

I’m ten the bowl of stars I breathe in move my arms
up and down then out is something I have
no name for and none for this but I know it’s wrong

Giant in the Doorway will be launched next Saturday (8th September) at the Candid Arts Trust galleries in London (the Poetry Book Fair). Matthew Stewart will be launching Tasting Notes at the same time, with wine and a tapa of Iberico Ham. Both new chapbooks will be in the online shop within the next week or so.

GET YOUR BLUSHFUL HIPPOCRENE HERE!

Do you believe in synchronicity?

It was Jung who coined the term, of course, and ever since I came across it, I’ve liked it. My mother’s a great believer in meaningful coincidence (which is much the same thing) and has some extraordinary examples.

My favourite’s the story of how she met Herr Buchholz. We were on holiday in Austria in 1966. We had never been abroad before (my sister was 10 and I was just 13), and my mother was determined to practise the German she had been studying in night school. She fell into conversation with a couple who were staying with their daughter at the same hotel. Naturally they asked where she came from and discovered it was a part of England one of them already knew. Mr Buchholz had been a prisoner of war, and was detained in Cheshire, near where my mother grew up. I don’t know what he was doing: perhaps he was a land worker of some kind.

Over the days they stayed in the same hotel, they continued to chat. They discovered they had, unknowingly, been in the same location together before, albeit not in Austria. It was over twenty years previously. My mother was a young woman in her teens and was working for a GP in Bowdon. Word came round that the King (George VI) was passing through. Not one to miss the opportunity of seeing royalty go past, my mother nipped out to view the royal progression (traffic moved slowly in those days). The streets in her part of Bowdon were deserted. She was the only person standing at the roadside apart from a man she didn’t know and didn’t speak to.

That man was Herr Buchholz, and here she was talking to him, nearly quarter of a century later at a hotel in Austria. Now there’s coincidence for you! Later his daughter Charlotte came to stay with us, to improve her English, and eventually I went to stay with them, to improve my German. Charlotte and I are still in touch.

All of which brings me to this week’s happy coincidence. I went to pick up Matthew Stewart’s new pamphlet Tasting Notes from The Dolphin Press. (It isn’t listed on the website yet).

Tasting Notes is, as the title suggests, about wine. The author works as a wine exporter for a Spanish co-operative in Extremadura. He’s also, of course, the originator of Inventing Truth, which came out in 2011 (Matthew blogs at Rogue Strands). Tasting Notes is very different from Matthew’s last publication. This time, the language of wine tasting and marketing merges with something delightfully unexpected. Each of four Zaleo wines has something to say for itself, and not quite what you’d expect.

But this brings me to the synchronicity. When I picked up the pamphlets this week, they were all packed in . . . wine boxes! Naturally I loved this detail, and saw it as particularly auspicious. I am, I think, the only poetry publisher who regularly dispatches boxes of books in car parts boxes (my other half works in a garage). I’ve always delighted in the inappropriateness of the packaging — this time it was the other way around.

Matthew’s Tasting Notes, when it finally makes it into our website shop, will have a link to a site where you can buy the wine to go with it, if you’d like to. This has proved a bit complicated, so it’s not yet accomplished. But not only will you be able to buy wine, you can get some free.

At the Poetry BookFair in London, on September 8th, you’ll see we’re opening the readings with the launch of that very pamphlet and wine tasting! There will, in fact, not only be wine but, just as delicious, a chance to sample the Iberio ham celebrated in one of the poems. And afterwards, a whole complimentary glass of the blushful, if you make a purchase from HappenStance. It’s beautiful drinking, I’ve tried it, so it’s to be hoped I will be coherent. (Joke.) The event is at the Candid Arts Trust, near Angel Tube Station, easy to get to if in or near the capital. Do come along if you can: the programme for the whole day is fabulous.

Besides, there are actually two HappenStance pamphlets launching at the London Poetry Book Fair. The other is Marion Tracy’s Giant in the Doorway. More about that next week. . . .


THE MYSTERY OF JEAN MACKIE

Remember the puzzle of May 2011?

I had two blog entries last May about attempts to track down the mysterious Jean Mackie, author of the privately printed A Little Piece of Earth.

In Another Lost Poet, there are three poems by Jean and the story of how Alan Hill first sent me a copy of the original publication. The following week there was More about the Mysterious Jean Mackie, in which contact was made with Jean’s son Charlie.

Since then, much has happened, and I feel I know a little bit about the background to these poems. I’ve read the classic memoir by Jean’s husband, John R. Allan, Farmer’s Boy (I cannot imagine how I had missed reading this all my life). And I savoured John R. Allan’s North-East Lowlands of Scotland, which Charlie Allan reckons is his father’s masterpiece. I loved the chapter about the ballads, which connected beautifully with my own interest in these ancient narratives.  And more recently I had a splendid time reading Them That Live The Longest, by Charlie himself, which describes Jean’s son’s own childhood and fills in even more of the background.

While all this was going on, I was type-setting most of Jean’s poems in a pamphlet (rather longer than the usual ones), and Charlie was writing a biographical introduction. He also sent me copies of poems by Jean’s granddaughter, herself mentioned in one of the Jean’s poems.  Alan Dixon was generating woodcuts for the cover and Charlie was going through his mother’s papers to check whether there were more poems buried in her past (she died in 1991).

There were no more poems. The set that appeared under the title A Little Piece of Earth were a late flowering. As a teacher, and lecturer in drama, and journalist, she rejoiced in the printed word and loved poetry all her life, but she hadn’t always written her own. These poems seem to have been a sudden outburst, a response to the alarming process of suddenly finding herself . . . old.

When I was going through the endless process of checking the pages, setting the poems, moving this and that a hair space or so, I kept reading the poems. As I did so, the pages kept blurring because of the tears in my eyes. These are not all perfect pieces of literature (a few are outstandingly good), but each contains beautifully turned fragments, or wry asides, or attributes that are wholly personal to their author. They are extremely moving. Three poems by Jean’s granddaughter, Susie Malcolm, are included as an insert.

One mystery remains. The quotation from which the collection took its title is in the original, and I have added it to the HappenStance publication. But I haven’t managed to source it. I don’t know whether it’s from a poem or perhaps a popular saying. It could even be something a member of the family was known to have said. But if anybody recognizes it, please let me know:

Some ants carry their young
And some go empty
And all to and fro a little piece of earth

LET THEM READ CHOCOLATE!

From chocolate poems to the real thing. And not just any old chocolate either. . . .

Yesterday afternoon, Gillian and I went to Peebles for chocolate reasons.  It was a fabulous day and the town was looking enchanting in rich August sunshine. The Peebles Show was in full flood and people were flocking.

We flocked right past the show car park, up the hill and into unit 7 of the Southpark Industrial Estate. Ah, it sounds ordinary, doesn’t it? It wasn’t.

Unit 7 is the tidily tucked away Chocolate & Confectionery School of Cocoa Black and that’s where we stayed for the rest of the afternoon. We were two of six beginners in a petits fours making class with world-class chocolatier Ruth Hinks.

Cocoa Black logo

When I say ‘world class’, I mean it. Ruth is not only one classy trainer (it was just like being with a celebrity chef in terms of dynamism and charisma), she’s one of five finalists for the UK Chocolate Master Title at Olympia in less than a month’s time. She’s also tall, elegant and beautiful—proof, if any were needed, that a diet of chocolate is life-enhancing.

Our afternoon at the petits fours workshop was amazing. It was also enormous fun. And we saw all the real stuff, the various ingredients in tubs and boxes and packets, and how they do it: the moulds, the racks, the chocolate mould scrapers, the melting tanks. The magical became possible.

While mixing and piping and scrutinizing and sprinkling, we were thinking about the HappenStance chocolate poem anthology, which is still taking shape. Discussions for its design are gathering momentum. It’s going to be a hardback book, and it will be lovely to read and hold, a direct route up Chocolate Parnassus.

With a bit of luck and nifty organization, subscriber contributors will come and help launch the book next year at quality chocolate centres round the UK.

Cocoa Black also have a chocolate shop, where you can have fabulous afternoon teas on Wednesdays and Sundays. We’ll try them for a potential HappenStand and chocolate poem launch. Watch this space—especially if you’re within range of the Scottish Borders.

HappenStance subscribers can continue to send in potential choc-lit until the end of this month. If you need inspiration for choc-po, try Hotel Chocolat (the Tasting Club is best because the chocolate’s freshly made) or send for some of Ruth’s from Cocoa Black. You don’t even have to write the poems. You can just eat the chocolates. . . .

Chocolates made at Cocoa Black

CLOSING THE WINDOW

July was probably the hardest submissions month ever.

That is to say there were not only more submissions than usual (the article in Poetry News had a considerable effect) but the quality was higher too.

This is how it works.

I try to deal with the envelopes as they arrive, not let them pile up because that’s too daunting for words. Sometimes I’m in when the postie struggles to get them through the box. Sometimes I come home to another pile.

As the month goes on, I become increasingly crabbit. This is because the process of reading so much poetry is stressful. I read every poem and I read them carefully. That’s full-on concentration, and I write on the poem-pages in pencil, sometimes very detailed comments. When a poet sends 12 rather than 25 poems, I feel pathetically grateful. The reading of each submission will take at least one hour, usually far more. I’ve sharpened two whole 2B pencils to death this month.

If I come across a very good set of poems, I get anxious. Why? Because I have too many publications scheduled already and there’s a hard year ahead with my other jobs. So on balance I’m trying not to accept new poets, while staying open-minded because there might be something . . . I can’t refuse.

I’ve written at length about the business of swinging the odds in How (Not) to Get Your Poetry Published. At one time I used to send this gratis to quite a lot of people but I have only four left. I always hope poets approaching me will have spent time finding out what I look for – by reading blog entries like this one, or this one, or this one, or last year’s.

Certain thoughts are in my mind, as I open the envelope and make my first impression notes.

Is this a name I know?

Have I read (and liked) their poems before?

Is this a first or second (or third) submission?

Is this one of my subscribers?

Do they know my name?

Can they write prose? (covering letter)

Why have they sent to HappenStance?

Have they read any of my pamphlets?

Do I like the sound of the person?

Have they remembered the SAE?

Does the presentation look professional?

What’s the publication track record like?

Are they female? (I’ve never managed to publish as many women as men in a single year).

Are they Scottish/based in Scotland? (I do at least one publication by a Scottish writer every year)

Depending on the answers to these questions, I’m more or less favourably disposed towards the poems themselves, and the person who wrote them. Often, I find my crankiness annoying to myself, never mind the poor poet, who finds me scribbling rudely ‘Put your name and address on every page!’

If the pages are bound, stapled or neatly assembled in a plastic binder, I swear like a pirate as I disassemble them and prepare to read.

Sometimes the  poems arrive with a cover sheet brandishing a large TITLE for the proposed collection. But I’m only at the stage of wondering whether I’ll find any poems to like. And sometimes, this TITLE puts me off because I think it’s a terrible title. But that’s by the by.

(At this point, I’ll throw in a mention of the submission guidelines, which ask people not to bind the poems, and a few other things. And the Dos and Don’ts, which are also available as a free download pdf in the shop. If poets haven’t found their way to these, I draw one of two conclusions. 1. They’re not very good on the web and get lost easily in websites.  2. They haven’t looked.)

The reason I take apart people’s carefully bound and often page-numbered submissions is this. I read the poems one by one. I mark poems I like well enough to publish (if it comes to that) with a little tick and sometimes a smiley if I like them a LOT. I put those poems in one pile. The rest go in another pile. (This is the point where a poem can easily get dropped or misplaced, and if the poet’s name’s not on it, they may never see it again). If the pile of poems I like is either bigger than the other pile or contains a couple of poems I love, I may ask that poet to send again.

I don’t offer to publish pamphlets on first submission. I register an interest. I suggest a maybe. I tell them I’m thinking about 2015 just now. (I don’t mention it’s a pity they’re a man, because that’s not their fault.) I suggest the pamphlet competitions are well worth entering. And so on.

I feel very mean, when a poet has sent me all their best villanelles, not knowing how I hate villainelles (sic). For the record, for this unreasonable publisher, it is no-no to

  1. villanelles
  2. sestinas
  3. pantoums
  4. ekphrastic poems
  5. ‘after’ poems

This doesn’t mean I would never publish one of the above. It means they need to win me over with something else first, and then make the case for the first villanelle I will have liked for years.

In terms of presentation (I’m now unreasonably sensitive to how the poems look as well), this is what I prefer (it’s in the Do’s and Don’ts):

  1. a plain font, nothing fancy
  2. the same sort of size of print you find in a book (usually a 12)
  3. name and address of author discreetly on every sheet
  4. single-spaced (1.5 if you must)
  5. one poem per page (even if it’s a sequence)

I wish I knew what the formula was for a fabulous poem. If I did, I’d bottle it and sell it. There is no formula. There is no way of consciously doing this magical thing that’s ‘right’. I can, however, comment on a number of things that either make poems go wrong (to my mind) or make them same-ish.

Same-ishness is a problem. There are numerous poets writing worthy, well-made poems, poems I often enjoy reading. But they don’t quite lift off the page. Something slightly drags them down into being a little bit like something you’ve read before. I refer to some of the methods that contribute to this as ‘Contemp Po’. And then I get over-sensitized to some of the Contemp Po techniques because they can put me off poems that have a real poem in them.

Here are some of the features I see as current mainstream Contemp Po:

poems in couplets (ok occasionally but can be ubiquitous)

poems based on one extended metaphor (sometimes it works)

cross-stanza enjambment with no particular logic to it, except to fulfil the poet’s desire to divide stanzas into neat chunks of two, three, or four lines.

poems divided into neat chunks

a couple of prose poems thrown in (I don’t hate them, but they’re not mandatory)

over-elaborate syntax, relying on multiple colons/semi-colons.

poem based on a single sentence but the reader gets lost in the middle

lots of sentences with no verbs in them.

disappearing articles (both definite and indefinite)

disappearing subjects (verb with no ‘I’)

lots of ‘I see’ and ‘I watch’ and ‘I feel’

numerous ‘as’ sentences

poems constructed round a sequence of imperative verbs

poems ending on the word ‘love’ (I know: I’ve done it too)

the word ‘yet’ flagging an epiphany

bizarre line breaks. Why break on a hyphen? It’s been done, and done, and over-
done.

erratic and/or distracting punctuation

lots of verb clauses in apposition to each other (see below)

There’s an increasing tendency to write sections relying heavily on two or more verb clauses, each appended to the same subject. Often this increases towards the end or high point of a poem. Like this:

I walk into the room, pick up my gun, shoot
the publisher.

She goes for her pen, scribbles a poem,
hurls inhibitions round like confetti,
wonders why the world hasn’t ended yet.

I’m  interested in why this verb thing is happening so much. Was it always a habit? Do we instinctively emulate phrasing that sounds ‘poetic’? I think it could be something to do with rhythm and cadence. A sequence of verbs like that – when you read them, you LEAN on each verb, and that leaning thing propels the poem through, just as a series of imperative verbs set up an energy charge. Free form often yearns for rhythmic pattern.

What should a poet do to prevent me from obsessing about leaning verbs and ‘as’s and semi-colons? (I apologise. Really.)

This is hard to explain, but I think it’s like a window. You walk to the window and admire the garden, or the view of roof-tops. You don’t see the glass or the frame until long after you’ve admired what’s on the other side.

If I’m distracted by the mechanics of a poem – the couplets, the line lengths, the enjambment, the verbs, the rhymes – whatever – it means I’m seeing the glass, not the view. That suggests the text is not, for me, working as it should.

Obviously, this is true of lots of published poetry, and I’m only looking at submissions. But aren’t we all looking for the thing we hardly ever find? The view of the garden?

THE ART OF WEEDING IN IGNORANCE

There are ‘yes’ plants, ‘no’ plants, and there’s moss.

‘No’ plants are generally strong and green. They may have yellow flowers. Pulling them up makes them stronger.

‘Yes’ plants are grateful for all the help they can get but frequently fail to live up to expectations.

Moss is always with us here in Scotland because of the rain. In the winter, moss almost takes over the garden. In summer, it recedes somewhat. And I’m not even talking about it with respect. Properly I should say mosses, because there are thousands of moss species. These non-vascular plants like lots of water and they spread by spores. I have no idea what kind of moss I’ve got – I wish I did – only that you can yank it up in armfuls as it creeps like a carpet across the path.

When you know the name of a plant, you feel curiously empowered. Recently, for example, I was carefully removing a certain little invader and its name suddenly came to me: Out with you, you coltsfoot, I thought. I’ve no idea how I knew the name.

I remember being shown how to ease open the pods of Shepherd’s Purse with a finger nail – then you see the rows of seeds inside, just like tiny coins. Shepherd’s Purse is a ‘no’ plant; it spreads everywhere. But it’s shallow rooted and easy to remove.

Unlike buttercups, which have the most determined foothold. “Opportunistic colonizers” the botanists call them, and I’ll second that. Who taught me to hold a buttercup under a person’s chin? If a yellow glow is reflected, the person likes butter. Except a yellow glow always appears, which ought to mean everybody likes butter. Back to looking for four-leaved clovers, or making daisy chains.

In such games, we learn some of the names unconsciously. But what to call the rest of them – the myriad ‘no’ plants in my garden? If I ever knew, I have forgotten.

During one year of serious cultivation, I decided I would get a book on garden weeds – with pictures. That way I would be able to identify them, accuse them personally of invasion and thus get the upper hand. I spent some time looking for such a book and couldn’t find one.

Alison Brackenbury, a good poet and a wise woman, suggested consulting a book of British Wild Flowers. Why hadn’t it occurred to me that what I called weeds were just plants I didn’t want? This was before Richard Mabey’s Weeds, but when that worthy book was published in 2010, Alison sent me a copy and I read it with relish. You get proper stories from Mabey; you can really like a plant with a name like ‘Thoroughwort’, for example. And Mabey is fascinating on the whole issue of weediness. Correctly, he points out “it all depends what you mean by a weed”, and then he goes further:

“The definition is the weed’s cultural story. How and why and where we classify plants as undesirable is part of the story of our ceaseless attempts to draw boundaries between nature and culture, wildness and domestication. And how intelligently and generously we draw those lines determines the character of most of the green surfaces of the planet.”

So my weeding is my ceaseless (actually I cease more often than I weed) attempt to draw a boundary, to establish my cultural patch. This has been a rainy summer and the garden is monumentally green. Green things are getting higher and higher, and many of them are ‘yes’ plants. I notice they have fewer flowers this year, though, and more leaf, even the nasturtiums, which sound misleadingly like plants I wouldn’t want. And the foxgloves have been amazing. They are really woodland plants, aren’t they? – but I love them. This year not just pink ones; white too.

And it keeps raining. So I sit inside and attempt to draw cultural boundaries round poems instead. There are ‘yes’ poems (not many of those) and ‘no’ poems (opportunistic invaders), and lots of moss obscuring the path. To some extent my rulings are personal, and yet I am – like it or lump it – part of a cultural movement. Despite acknowledging (with Mabey) that “the ambivalence and instability of the weed blacklist is clear”, I can’t help feeling un-ambivalent about my response to a ‘yes’ poem, though I know how perilously unstable that yes-ness is.

Often I admire the persistence of a kind of poem I cannot approve. That is to say, I won’t let it into my garden, but I admire its vigorousness, its impenetrability, its wild passions, its rampant ambitions and excrescences.

Let Gerard Manley Hopkins have the last word on the matter:

What would the world be, once bereft
Of wet and of wildness? Let them be left,
O let them be left, wildness and wet;
Long live the weeds and the wilderness yet.